Nah, not that either.
You’ll be a zombie..?
More like nonexistent.
Pretty sure you won’t be catching me dead at this dance, just saying.
So we’ll be catching you alive? Interesting.
Nah, not that either.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you.
“Being friends,” Katie repeated after him. “It’s a crazy idea for us, really, but I think it could work.” Even when Katie and Owen were just friends, it always seemed like it was so much more. Katie remembered the nights in the Degrassi Daily office when she set up a fake interview for him in order to find out if he had feelings for her. They were “just friends” back then too, but it didn’t stop Owen from pushing and pushing until she almost gave in and kissed him right then and there. And then the next time when they hung out as “just friends,” they ended up making out on a park bench. Hardly the behavior of platonic friends. But maybe that’s because they were never friends to begin with. Maybe this was their chance for a fresh start.
“So we get to start over now, no?” Katie asked as she hopped alongside Owen on the sidewalk. “Well, let’s see. As your new best friend, I think you’re obligated to tell me about any cute boys you’ve seen walking the halls of Degrassi lately,” Katie said, laughing lightly. “And we’re probably going to have to have a sleepover one night. We can do face masks and give each other pedicures as we gossip.”
“Hey now,” Owen said playfully, smiling with ease now as they continued to walk, laughing more than he recalled doing in quite some time. “I think cute boy gossip will always be off the table, and as far as the rest of that…sleepover I could go for, though I’m starting to think you might have gotten me confused with my brother.”
He glanced over at Katie, catching himself smiling the way he used to. For the first time in a long time, he felt the way he used to. The lightness he remembered feeling all the time he’d spent with her before was back. “A fresh start,” he repeated, grinning. “You know, I really like the sound of that. Thank you, Katie. For…for talking with me. For giving this a chance. I promise, it’ll be better this time.”
And it feels like I am just too close to love you.
“Trust me,” Katie began as she rose from her seat. “I’ve become an expert at walking on these things,” she said, placing her crutches under her arms and begging her walk to the door of The Dot. Katie wasn’t sure why she had bothered to ask Owen to walk home with her in the first place. There was still more tension between them than she would ever be okay with admitting, and she knew that she was better off going home by herself so as to avoid any more awkward moments between the two of them, but it was Owen. Katie was never good at being away from him.
They began their walk home in silence. Katie wasn’t sure what she could possibly say. After all, what was there left to say anyway? She admitted to everything - about how she had lied to him when she broke up with him, how she still wore his necklace, and albeit accidentally, how she had had sex with KC. It seemed like all the hard subjects, all the subjects she feared the most, had already been covered. This was supposed to be the easy part, yet Katie found that she had nothing to say. Instead, she took a deep breath, looking up to the sky before glancing over to Owen. “So… Now what?”
Owen stuffed his hands in his pockets, staring at the ground in silence as they continued to walk, contemplating her question. Now what, indeed. Where were they in all this craziness that was their relationship with one another?
“Now…we keep walking,” he said, laughing a little. “But no. We…we just keep going. No need to keep fighting with each other, or being awkward. Unless you prefer I really stick with that whole ‘never speaking to you again’ thing. In which case, I guess I respect that. But if not…maybe we try being friends? Novel concept for us, I realize. But maybe it’s a start? Where we should’ve started all along.”
And it feels like I am just too close to love you.
“Drama-free sounds really wonderful,” Katie admitted, laughing lightly. It’s not that she found what either of them had said to be funny, but she was relieved. Probably since this entire conversation, all things considered, was going a lot better than she could have ever imagined it to. “I guess we’re not exactly the poster people from a drama-free relationship, huh?” she asked, a smirk on her lips.
Suddenly, Owen uttered a sentence that put that same look of pure confusion back on Katie’s face. “Tainted enough by contact with you? You don’t think…. Do you?” she asked, genuinely, still surprised that Owen had even said such a thing. “You need to stop blaming yourself for the decisions that people make when they’re around you. Trust me, it’s not your fault. In fact, and I hope I’m not overstepping any undefined boundaries right now, but you’ve never been anything but absolutely fantastic. I’ve never met someone so willing to push all of his problems to the side in order to fix things for… for someone he loves,” Katie admittedted, the volume of her voice decreasing significantly by the time she reached the end of her sentence.
Katie glanced down at her plate, realizing that her salad was practically finished. She knew that this moment was going to come eventually - when her and Owen would have to part, but she found herself wishing that it could have been a little further into the future. “Well, I’m just about done. Any chance you want to head out together?”
He swallowed hard, turning his long forgotten fork over and over on the table, unable to make eye contact with her. Owen hated feeling this vulnerable, talking about these things. His issues with what had happened with both of his exes ran deep with him, and he wasn’t ready to accept the kind words Katie was speaking to him. He looked up at her though, catching her eye and flashing her his trademark smirk. “Thank you,” he said quietly. Unsure of what more to say, Owen fell silent. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate Katie’s words. He did, more so than he could even explain to her, but it was because of his inability to explain that he couldn’t find the words.
He looked back up at her as she suggested walking out together. He knew his eyebrows were hidden under his hair, risen in surprise at her request. “Uhh, sure,” he stammered, and then, more decidedly, “Yeah. That’d be good.” He stood, a smile flashing across his face. “Besides, you need someone to hold the door open. Though I’m sure it’s hilarious to watch you try to bash your way through it on your crutches.” He laughed a little, moving around the table and moving Katie’s chair back to help her stand. “You got it?” he asked from behind her, unsure of how to help or even how much assistance he was allowed to give her at this point in their friendship, or whatever this was between them.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you.
Katie nodded. It was the only thing that she could do. Listening to what Owen was saying hurt so much, but she knew he was right, and furthermore, that she agreed. It happened, it’s in the past now. Neither of them could dwell on it because it’s over, and no matter what happens in the future, their breakup unfolded a certain way and they were both affected by it. It was ridiculous to assume that things could ever really be the same between them, even if they never tried to get back together.
“You’re right,” Katie said solemnly. “This is probably really great for both of us. We’ve never really had a chance to grade twelves at Degrassi alone. Who knows how much we’ve missed out on?” Just then, it seemed like millions of thoughts came flooding into Katie’s head, and all of them involved Owen with other girls. Girls who weren’t her. That, more so than anything else, was what Owen was missing out on, and Katie hated it.
Owen was hers. He wasn’t suppose to ever be with anyone else besides Katie. They had fought so hard for everything and been so through so much with each other and for each other. No one else ever worked or will ever work so hard for Owen. No one else deserves him. But it didn’t matter anymore, because maybe, somewhere along the way, Katie stopped deserving him too.
In that moment, Katie couldn’t help but to get lost in Owen’s eyes. She couldn’t read his expression, she had no idea what he was thinking or feeling. Yet, she couldn’t stop staring because she wanted to know. She was just too afraid to ask.
A mirthless laugh slipped past Owen’s lips as Katie mentioned all they were missing out on. It was obvious to him what she thought he was missing out on - women. Countless women. Somehow, despite his sparse romantic history, no one had ever managed to shake the image of him as a womanizer.
He looked at her for a long moment, a million thoughts running through his head. He wanted so badly to share his thoughts with her. For the first time in a long time, he felt like he was back on the same page with her, somehow. And he remembered how easy it was to speak with her, how simply he could open himself up to her. But at the same time, he was hesitant to do so. So many emotions had passed between them, and he wasn’t sure he could handle opening back up to her again.
“I’m not so sure I’m that interested in seeing what all I’ve been missing out on, to be honest,” he finally decided on saying, choosing his words carefully as he tested the waters. “I think I’m just looking to get through the rest of this year as drama-free as possible. Besides, I think the female dating pool’s been tainted enough by contact with me.” He grinned at the end of his sentence, though he didn’t exactly feel the humor in what he said. It was honestly the thing that had hurt him worst in their breakup - seeing the choices Katie had made afterward. Just like Anya, it seemed contact with him had taken her so far from the person she’d originally been.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you.
Katie barely had time to register what was happening before Owen reached across the table, taking her hands in his. A look of complete confusion made its way onto Katie’s face as she stared at Owen, as if she wasn’t even sure if this was actually happening, or if it was all just in her head. She wouldn’t have put it past herself at this point, though. She had such a hard time getting to sleep after the injury and the breakup, she figured it was really only a matter oft time before it all caught up with her and she began to have blatant hallucinations.
But just as quickly as that thought entered her head, Katie realized that this was most definitely happening. She looked down at their hands, back up to Owen, only to look down at their hands again. It hadn’t even registered with her that she had been looking at Owen with the same blank expression on her face for what felt like twelve years now, not bothering to utter a word. But before she could even think of what to say, she found herself looking over at him again, then down to her necklace. Of course. Of course he saw it. But just because he saw it didn’t mean she had to explain it. Maybe he would be willing to let it go entirely. She could only hope.
She never bothered to move her hands away from Owen’s. Instead, she let them rest on top of his, allowing herself to come so close to squeezing onto his hands, only to back down last second. “It’ll be better for me, I guess. It’s weird actually being single for more than a few days, but I think it’s really helping me clear my head and figure out a lot of things that have been on my mind lately.” She studied Owen’s expression, quickly picking up on the fact that his eyes were still entirely focused on her necklace. Moving her hands away from his, she grabbed the pendant. “I never gave up on you, you know. Even when I broke up with you, I could have handled it so much better, but I want you to know that I didn’t mean anything that I said that day,” she said, nodding her head. “You know… That was one of things I think I needed to admit in order to slowly get my life back on track. I just… I wanted you to hate me so it wouldn’t… so it wouldn’t hurt as much. Clearly that backfired.”
All at once, Owen wasn’t sure he wanted this. This conversation. To be on normal terms with Katie, to hear that everything she’d said about him was a lie. It’d hurt so much - more than he’d even realized he could be hurt by someone - to hear her say that everyone else was right, that he was as much a waste of her time as everyone claimed. But it suddenly felt worse to have it reversed.
It was clear to him now. If Katie reversed this - if she was the girl who still wore his necklace, who never gave up on him, who cared and went out of her way to try to protect him - he couldn’t give up on her either. And even though he hadn’t given up before, when none of that felt true, knowing for certain that it wasn’t meant that all those feelings would come back. And they weren’t going to get back together. They couldn’t. After all the messes they’d made of everything, certainly they were better off apart.
But where did that leave them? If they still cared about each other, and they couldn’t give up on each other, but couldn’t be together…what then? Owen looked up at Katie, watching her carefully, at a loss for words. He wanted to say so much all at once, make up for all the time he’d lost fighting with her or wallowing in his self pity. But nothing would come out, because no matter what he said, the situation couldn’t change.
“Don’t worry about it,” he finally said, clearing his throat. “What’s done is done. I mean, don’t get me wrong…I’m glad you didn’t mean it. But it happened how it happened. And I’m sorry it couldn’t work out better for you. But what’s done is done…no sense worrying about it now.”
And it feels like I am just too close to love you.
Katie knew that it was inevitable. At some point, she was going to see Owen again, and at some point, KC was going to come up. There was no way that he wouldn’t - their entire breakup, and not to mention the entire downward spiral their relationship seemed to fall into - revolved around KC. The thing about Owen though, was that he put on all the affronts of someone too tough and apathetic to care, but deep down, he did care, and Katie knew that. He cared enough to reach out to her the night KC dumped her and to talk to her all night long until she at least pretended to feel better. That had to mean something.
“I’m… Surviving. There’s not much else for me to do, you know? I’ve made it through breakups before,” she said, shrugging her shoulders. “I know something’s not right with him, but I guess, if anything, all of this proves that KC and I were really just supposed to be friends all along. It’s just pretty awful that it took us dating, having… Um… Um, nothing.” Katie immediately cut herself off. Was she really that close to slipping up and telling Owen that she had had sex with KC during the spring break trip? For a second, she wondered if he already knew. Even if no one had directly told him, Katie couldn’t help but to wonder that subconsciously, Owen had already assumed it happened. It was probably one of those situations where, even if it hadn’t happened, maybe he had already convinced himself that did and it would be too late for him to believe anything else. “Just, it’s really awful knowing that we had to date and have such a brutal breakup in order to realize that maybe we just never were supposed to happen,” Katie said, trying her hardest to clarify her point while undermining her little slip.
She glanced out the window quickly, watching carefully as the streets seemed to be littered with couples holding hands, smiles plastered on their faces. She laughed dryly, looking down to the table as she did so, hoping that Owen hadn’t noticed. She remembered when, not all that long ago, those couples were them. Now, they were the farthest thing from it. “It’s not the same. I don’t think anything will really ever be the same as…” she cut herself off yet again, not wanting to finish her sentence. There was now way that Katie could look Owen in the eyes and admit that nothing will ever be able to compare to them when they were together. Instead, she began to play with her necklace. The very same necklace that Owen had given her during their first breakup.
Owen’s hands curled into fists on the table as Katie stammered to cover her slip up. He knew exactly what she’d been about to say. That she and KC had had sex. Of course they had. She and Owen had been sexually active, it was a reality he’d forced himself to accept that she would do the same with KC. But realizing she’d had sex, and hearing her nearly admit it were too different things.
Forcing himself to ignore the images that sprang to mind, Owen swallowed and followed Katie’s gaze out the window, catching on that something had gotten her attention when she laughed. It took him a moment to notice the couples, but once he did, he couldn’t stop seeing them all over the street. Holding hands, smiling, laughing together - they were everything he and Katie were supposed to be. And yet here they were, practically strangers, having awkward conversations with each other as if they didn’t have a clue what to say to each other.
When she first started to talk about how it wasn’t the same, for a moment Owen thought she meant her and KC. That things were hard for her now, and that nothing would ever be the same as her relationship with him. His eyes returned to Katie, half in disbelief that she would really say that to him of all people. His mouth was open, ready to say something, anything, to get them off the topic, but then he froze, watching her fingers fiddling with her necklace. The necklace. The one he’d given her so long ago, back when they’d first broken up.
For a moment, it was as if all the air had left the restaurant. She was wearing the necklace. She hadn’t been expecting to see him, and yet she’d still had it on.
Before Owen could think, his fingers had uncurled on his one hand and he was reaching out for her, taking her hands in his. “Hey,” he said softly, trying to catch her eye. “It’s not the same. You’re right. It won’t be. But…maybe it could be better.” He had to believe that. Whatever ‘better’ meant, he had to assume that somehow, they would get out of all of this better off. But did that mean better together? Even Owen wasn’t so sure anymore.
And it feels like I am just too close to love you.
Katie’s expression twisted into one of pure confusion as she listened to Owen speak. He seemed to be struggling, grasping at anything he possibly could to talk to her about, only to settle on the most obvious - her injury. If it were anyone else in the world sitting across from her, Katie probably would have brushed it off, maybe said that it’s not a big deal and leave it at that, or just change the subject entirely. But as she looked over at Owen again, she noticed the look of genuine concern on his face, and that more than anything compelled her to be honest with him. Besides, after basing their entire breakup on a lie (a lie that she never quite got over the guilt she felt from telling), she figured she owed it to him right now to be truthful.
“I’ve been better,” she began, grabbing some lettuce on her fork before continuing. “TO be honest, I’m not sure what to even do with myself anymore now that I can’t exercise or play soccer. You can only write for so long until you just have to get up and do something else, but I can’t, so… I have an appointment with my doctor this week. If everything is going as planned and I’m healing properly, I should be off the crutches by Saturday.”
Once again, Katie diverted her attention to Owen, slowly taking in the fact that he was sitting across from her right now, despite everything that had happened between them, and she was having a regular conversation with him. They weren’t talking about anything too heavy - it was just an injury that anyone who walked past Katie on the street could see that she had. They were literally speaking like friends did. A part of Katie was elated. She was so thankful knowing that they were capable of general civility. Yet, another part of her hated it. She hated that they were capable of speaking as friends would because… because it made them just friends. Nothing more.
The realization hit her quick and suddenly, and Katie couldn’t help but to shift uncomfortably in her char. Did that mean…? It really shouldn’t have come as a surprise. She had dated Owen for so long, she had been through so much with him - some of the best and worst moments of her entire life - it was only natural to have all these feelings come spiraling back into her lap in a moment like this. But whatever she did, she could not let that on. Owen couldn’t know. She had to hide it. They weren’t supposed to be together, not anymore.
Trying her hardest to continue on with the conversation despite the still semi-shocked look on her face, Katie asked, “What about you? How have things been?”
Owen was grateful when Katie inquired after him, even if it was a question he wasn’t sure how to answer, because at least he didn’t need to pretend he’d been able to concentrate on what she was saying. “Things have been…alright.” He knew before he even finished hesitating that she wouldn’t buy it, but what other choice did he have? He couldn’t exactly tell her everything was miserable. That even if he was angry with her, even if a part of him wanted to just say something rude even now and walk away, it was only because she had hurt him. Owen Milligan didn’t get hurt by anyone, especially not a girl. He never gave people that power of him, but he didn’t have a choice when it came to her.
“You know how it is. Senior year’s tough, just waiting to get out of there.” It was a conversation he could be having with anyone, really, and that fact made Owen uncomfortable. Long gone were the days where their conversations were on another level from the ones he had with everyone else.
He paused the conversation for the moment as the waitress came over with a glass of water and he placed a quick order. Taking a sip of his water once she’d departed, Owen considered how to broach the topic he really wanted to ask about. “How are you doing, though, post…KC?” It was the elephant in the room. So much of what they’d fought about since breaking up had been KC-related, and it was Owen who had managed to cheer her up the night they’d ended. He couldn’t not ask about it, even if doing so could potentially lead to an argument.
